I have been coveting a candelabra . It has 10 glass holders arranged in the shape of a star. the shop in Crystal Palace has reduced it since Christmas but it still a pricey for a frivolous item.
So although I go in about twice a week to check the price I have so far resisted the temptation to buy it.
I have, however, bought 2 other things which I realise have tried to replace the candelabra. A table runner and a scarf, both of which I will use, both of which are beautiful, both of which were reduced and both of which I did not need.
If I had not bought them I would have almost had enough for the candelabra, although the runner and scarf are easier to store.
As I dwelt on my desire I was reminded of a book I read many, many years ago ‘Fat is a Feminist Issue’. Somewhere among its pages it argues for giving in to one’s desires, and here I paraphrase ‘if you want a Mars bar eat a Mars bar, because if you don’t you will only fulfil the craving with other chocolate bars and thus end up eating more.’
I applied this concepts to my own desire and buying habits; despite the runner and the scarf I still desire the candelabra.
A deeper dwelling called me to examine what it was I wanted by buying things in the first place; as I said I didn’t need any of them.
Thinking back I realised that sometime over the last couple of weeks I had fallen without realising into a grief hole. Every once in a while the grief that I mostly kept at bay rises up and surprises me rather than overwhelms me. I am always surprised that I grief is still part of my life and I am learning to let it be a companion on the journey rather than suppress it.
There is nothing specific on which this grief is based, rather it is an amalgamation of all griefs, some big and others small, some still raw and others long since forgotten. It results in me trying to connect, reaching out, flailing around, buying frivolous things that I don’t need.
What was I was trying to fill?
Then this popped in to my inbox completing the circuit and lights shone.
*God and Creator of my soul, I feel lonely.
I want another person to talk to,
someone who understands the struggle it is to pray sometimes,
someone who values what I value: faith and true virtue and holy work to heal the world.
I am weary of hearing only my voice and contemplating only my thoughts about you.
If another person could hear my thoughts and then speak to them—that would be a lovely, restorative experience.
Sometimes Divine presence is so much sweeter when it is shared.
If it is your will, please send a companion for these days.
A companion for my days, Oh yes please.
*From Days of Deepening Friendship. Friday Reflection: Keeping Good Company for Your Soul